The Coleslaw Confession


The other night, Greg and I planned a dinner of burgers, sweet potato fries, and coleslaw. While most of the time Greg cooks dinner, for some reason, if there’s coleslaw to be made, that’s my job. I suppose that’s the case because I used to make my own recipe in a quest to get it to taste like the coleslaw my grandma made, (every Friday during Lent to be served with the fried fish and the store bought frozen pizza) and every time I made the coleslaw, I would play with the recipe to see if I could figure out what I was missing because I could never get it quite right.

I finally gave up and resorted to trying recipes online. My mom and I tried one recipe that was pretty good, but I think after we purchased all of the ingredients and that I would only ever use for this particular specialty coleslaw, it ended up costing about $47.00 a pound.

Anyway, after much experimenting, I finally found one I really liked. It happens to be this Martha Stewart recipe for “Classic Creamy Coleslaw.” Even though I am NOT a Martha fan after a certain fortune cookie recipe fiasco, (And I know J & H are smiling right now if they are reading, but that’s a tale for another day) this recipe is pretty easy. Unlike other Martha recipes, it does not require any exotic ingredient that you can only get flown in from some remote part of the globe on the first Tuesday of the month, or some special cooking equipment most professional chefs don’t even own. But I digress. Back to the other night…

The Muffin was in need of a bath, so Greg was going to take over coleslaw duty. It went like this:

HIM: How do I make it?
ME: Just follow the recipe. It’s easy.
HIM: Don’t you usually…
ME: (interrupting) I used to, but now I just use the Martha Stewart recipe. I’ve used that the past few times and I like it a lot.
HIM: Where’s the recipe?
ME: (opening the kitchen drawer and taking out a folder) In this folder labeled “recipes.” (pulling out the piece of paper) Here. Just follow the recipe. It’s going to look a little dry at first, but once it sits for a bit it will be fine. Just FOLLOW THE RECIPE.

So off I went to give the Muffin a bath and dress her for bed while Greg made dinner. About twenty minutes later, I wandered into the kitchen with a freshly cleaned and PJ’ed Muffin and found myself staring into bowl of what looked like chunky mayonnaise.

ME: What happened to the coleslaw?
HIM: Nothing
ME: Then why does it look like that?
HIM: Like what?
ME: Did you follow the recipe?
HIM: (pause) Uh, yes.
ME: You added more mayonnaise, didn’t you?
HIM: (pause) No.

At this point, he was wrestling with the sweet potato fries that had gotten stuck to the aluminum foil he baked them on, and the buns in the toaster oven were getting a little burned, and I could see he was getting pissed, so I decided to leave the coleslaw issue alone for the moment. But I was still determined to get a confession.

I let him finish getting dinner on the table, and we sat down to eat about ten minutes later. He was clearly disgusted with the way dinner had turned out — the burgers too bland, the sweet potato fries too mushy, and the coleslaw…

ME: So, are you going to tell me what happened with the coleslaw?
HIM: Well, I followed the recipe, but it just looked so dry…
ME: I told you that would happen
HIM: I just started adding a little more mayonnaise, and then a little more…
ME: Uh huh
HIM: Sigh
ME: It’s okay, honey. Thank you for cooking.

Categories : journeys in life


  1. Helene88 says:

    I am particularly and resolutely loyal to what is A) sold at COSTCO in industrial sizes and wholesale quantities and B) whatever is on sale.

  2. Helene88 says:

    Martha STEWART? SERIOUSLY KELLY?????????? You got me SO upset tht my comment about the brand loyalty wound up in the wrong place. Greg… my kinda guy :)