Going Dark


Sometimes I just go dark. Sometimes I need to go dark. I don’t want to write or read or email or talk to anyone I don’t have to or do much of anything. It’s a descent into a funk of self doubt and depression. Before having the Muffin, when a funk would hit, I could wallow in self pity and stay in bed. But I can’t do that now. I have to be there for my daughter (and my mother too, these days) through the peaks and the valleys of my emotional landscape. So I put on my game face and do what needs to get done.

But I hate writing when I’m like that because anything I write just ends up being a selfish woe is me piece of crap. So I choose not to write. I know some┬ápeople choose to write through depression and it helps them. I don’t know if that’s the case for me. I am a huge believer of writing as a process of self-discovery, so maybe it would help if I got totally raw and held nothing back. But I’d be lying if I said I was willing to do that. I’ve learned the hard way about over sharing on this here Internet space. I like to write about the detours in my life because it does help me, and I don’t mind sharing the lows, but some lows are just for me to work through. (And for my 0h-so-lucky family who have to put up with me). And sometimes I don’t need to work anything out at all. Sometimes I just need time to ride it out and get back some perspective.

The problem is that when I feel worthless and want to go dark, the not writing exacerbates those feelings because writing is something I said I’d do. It’s something I want to do. But I feel bad so I don’t write. Then I feel worse ’cause I haven’t written. Vicious cycle and all that. I want to allow myself to not write when I’m in a funk. But I also know that if I don’t commit and push myself to write, I won’t gain momentum, and I won’t get better.

Maybe I best just stop blogging about blogging or my lack of blogging and just write when I can and push myself through those times I don’t want to write and cut myself some slack when I go dark once in a while.

Eventually, I’ll find the light.

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